Newcastle bad boy and perpetual sick note Joey Barton has pledged to help his team by co-ordinating his bouts of imprisonment and injury.

“It’s not fair to the club, the fans or the rest of the team”, says Barton. “I’m either looking at a short stretch for punching someone in the face or I’m on the physio bench recovering from a strain”.

With Newcastle struggling to get their midfielder fit and available to play, Barton believes he has found a workround that will benefit the club. “What I’m thinking is this: the next time I get an injury, I’ll use that as an opportunity to go out and have a violent row with a stranger. That way I can recuperate in the nick”.

Owner Mike Ashley is thought to be delighted with the plan.

Gareth Southgate has admitted the reality of losing his job as Middlesbrough manager is only just sinking in.

“At first, I thought the Chairman was joking”, says Southgate. “He’s like that: always pulling practical jokes. When Mr. Gibson told me, I was smiling. Waiting for the punchline, you know? Or for him to grab me by the nose and wrestle me to the ground like he usually does…when he walked out without saying anything, I thought it was wind-up”.

Sadly for Southgate, it was nothing of the sort. The day after his dismissal, Southgate turned up for work as usual. “I burst into the changing room expecting all the lads to shout ‘Surprise!’. But it was empty and I was all alone”.

Southgate went to his office, expecting to find a note from Gibson telling him he had been the butt of one of his jokes. Instead, he found his possessions being carried out by furniture removers.

Southgate says he began to get a feeling it wasn’t a joke when he saw his image being covered up on the 2009-2010 team photo in reception. “One of the secretaries had a picture of Gordon Strachan and was glueing his head onto my body”.

After failing in his attempt to buy Newcastle United, Geordie businessman Barry Moat is now considering buying the naming rights to St. James’s Park.

Moat, who made his fortune selling a novelty singing fish, plans to rename the ground ‘The Big Mouth Billy Bass Bowl’. But Moat faces stiff competition from Northern bakery chain Greggs, who are considering making an offer.

They would like to rename the stadium ‘The Greggs Chicken Balti Pie Arena’. The Gallowgate End would become ‘The Greggs Chargrilled Chicken Ovalbite Stand’ with other areas of the ground called ‘The Greggs Cheese & Onion Pasty Family Enclosure’, ‘The Greggs Sausage & Bean Melt Concourse’ and ‘The Greggs Steak Bake Hospitality Suites’.

Shearer’s Bar would be re-opened as the largest branch of Greggs in the North East.

Club owner Mike Ashley is said to be delighted with the plans.

Younes Kaboul, the Premier League’s first pre-op trans-sexual, has been warned that he will not be allowed to continue playing in the top flight once he has completed his transition.

A Premier League representative is quoted as saying, “Once they come off – he’s out.  If he wants to go and play in the Championship or Europe, then that’s fine – but Premier League rules do not allow for trans-gender or non-gender specific individuals to play in our games”.

A spokesperson for Kaboul responded angrily, “He, I mean she, does not  care about the Premiership rules. However he…sorry, she…is considering taking them to an industrial tribunal or possibly going on X Factor or something”.

A representative from Portsmouth FC was more circumspect. “I don’t see the problem.  In the last few years we seem to have had nothing but players who perform like lasses, so what’s new?’

Sir Alex Ferguson could find himself facing a string of fresh complaints  following the FA decision to charge him with improper conduct.

Having criticised ref Alan Wiley over his fitness,  a number of other people are now coming forward to raise concerns regarding their treatment at the hands of the Manchester United manager.

First to the plate is former Manchester United player Paul Ince. “If Alan Wiley thinks he has been discredited by Sir Alex’s words, he should consider the way I was spoken to on several occasions. Sir Alex told me in no uncertain terms that I was a ******* useless bag of broken s*** biscuits, a complete waste of genetics and a flashy **** with no ******* stamina. A bit harsh, really”.

“I respect the gaffer, he is the best there is”, says former United striker Andy Cole. “But he did question my work ethic. Mr. Ferguson called me a lazy *******  **** and implied I had had some sort of illict relationship with my mother, who he suggested needed to lose weight also”.

“I will always have the utmost respect for Sir Alex”, says Craig Harrison, the security officer on the main car park gate at Old Trafford. “I love him, even though he once told me to hurry up and get that ******* gate open before I get out of my ******* car and tear you a new ******** and shove that ******* pole up your hairy English ****”.

Mr. Harrison and the two former United players are now considering their options, as are 75 other United players and members of staff. Alan Smith has been asked to represent the players and put their grievances to the FA. “Sir Alex Ferguson is the greatest manager in the history of the modern game”, says Smith. “But there was no need for him to say I had legs like a diseased cripple, that I looked like a ******** badger with an attitude problem and that I should take my ***** ***** and **** the **** with a rusty ****** ****** ***** while getting the **** off his ******* training ground”.

Often criticised for their overpaid, self-indulgent and arrogant lifestyles, today Sports Offensive can reveal some positive news about Premiership footballers.

As the strike rolls on with communication workers thrashing out a deal with Post Office bosses, West Ham player Scott Parker and Tottenham defender Gareth Bale have joined forces to deliver letters in the E1, NE1 and E11 areas of London.

“We don’t do much in the week of a morning, except for a bit of training”, says Parker. “So we thought delivering post around our way would be a help to the community”.

Both players have been delivering mail to strike hit customers for the past week, Parker using his Lexus 4X4 while Bale has opted to carry mail bags on his Raleigh Chopper.

“It’s been really rewarding”, says Bale. “We’ve had a great response from people on the street. I also look at it as a bit of work experience. It’s improving my reading skills as well. I may well be a postie once I stop playing”.

Parker has already offered to fill one of the proposed winter work force roles to help with the Christmas mail.

Giovanni Trapattoni has denied his feud with Andy Reid has ended the Republic of Ireland player’s international career.

Despite an outcry from the Irish public, and Reid’s recent good form, Trapattoni has consistently overlooked the tubby Dubliner.

Trapattoni said, “Of course I am aware that Andy Reid is playing well – I have read it in the papers – but currently there are people ahead of him in my plans”.

Despite losing Andrews, Gibson, Stephen Reid and Aiden McGeady, the Italian coach has turned to Liam Lawrence and the 30 year old QPR player Martin Rowlands as replacements. Asked if Reid would be next in line should there be more withdrawals, Trapattoni merely shook his head,“No – not next – but nearly next…after Liam Brady and Don Givens obviously …and maybe Graham Norton – certainly after Mrs Doyle from Father Ted – Roy Walker deserves a chance too…and Shane MacGowan…and what about Shergar?…..and Val Doonican has done nothing wrong to be left out – but of course, if all of these were injured, and it was impossible to cancel the game, we might consider Andy Reid – possibly”.